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Not good enough

Long time no write, sweet friends.

I’ve been a bit busy with med school–specifically, our micro/immuno class.

But yesterday we took the last exam for the class (technically we have one last cumulative “shelf” exam next Thursday, but I’m pretending that doesn’t exist right now).

It occurred to me today that this is my last weekend in Muncie until the fall. After the exam next week, I’m off to Atlanta and summer begins!

Because I’m a sap at times, I had to write a quick post and reflect on this first year of med school.

For fun, I checked what I posted last year on May 3. Interestingly enough, the post was about how I had just realized that I’m done with undergrad. Apparently I have a lot of realizations on May 3 each year?? Of course, Ry-guy made an appearance too. 

But the post also talked about how I need prayer to figure out which med school I should attend, since I didn’t get the campus placement I expected/wanted. I can vividly remember feeling so confused and upset and doubtful. And I clung to these verses:

‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways My ways,’ declares the Lord.
‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are My ways higher than your ways
    and My thoughts than your thoughts.’

-Isaiah 55:8-9

And here I am a year later, emphatically saying: AMEN.

His ways are higher and oh so much better.

At the time, I read those verses because I needed an explanation for why God would allow me to have such confidence about where He was leading…only to leave me shocked and confused later. Why would God allow me to think my way and His way were the same thing…only to show me they were vastly different? I know I’m not alone in having these doubts–we’ve all been there or will be there at some point. And it all really boils down to this question:
Why doesn’t God just give me what I want?  

I never came out and said that, but that’s what my heart was saying. That underlying question is the reason I doubted, fretted, and cried.

I obey/follow/serve/love Him, so why can’t He give me what I want?

What I want isn’t bad or wrong…it’s a good thing. So why can’t He give me what I want?

Everyone else seems to be getting what I want (fill in the blank), so why can’t He give ME what I want?

Because sometimes what I want isn’t good enough.

c4f9ddcfae73e68e5cf3748c2fc95fadThat line of thinking radically changed the way I respond to life in general. In the past year, I have learned time and time again that God’s way is not only better…it’s perfect. It’s the best. And I no longer read those verses with a heavy heart, dramatically sighing and trying to console myself with those words.

On the contrary, those verses give me excitement. They give me hope. They give me joy. 

When things don’t go quite like I planned, I can eagerly read Isaiah 55:8-9 and rejoice because God is going to surprise me. His ways are not my ways. 

When I look around and wonder why other people seem to be getting what I want, I read Psalm 73 (favorite go-to for this scenario) and then I can remind myself that GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Even if I never get anything else in my life, HE is enough. Christ is enough.

This year has taught me many things about science (anatomy, embryology, histology, cell biology, molecular biology, biochemistry, neuroanatomy, physiology, microbiology, immunology), but more importantly, it’s taught me so much about my Lord.

This year I’ve experienced His goodness. He was good enough NOT to give me what I wanted because what I wanted wasn’t the best for me. He was good enough to place me in literally the first campus I had ruled out, knowing full well that I would question and doubt Him. He was good enough to forgive my doubting heart. 

I’ve experienced His strength. I was a psych major in college, took only the science classes necessary for the MCAT, and basically showed up to med school with no previous experience in any class except biochem. And all I can say is by the strength of God, I managed to get through these classes. He deserves the glory here.

I’ve experienced His presence. The first few weeks in Muncie, I was homesick to the point that I was often physically sick. I couldn’t eat, I cried all the time, and I felt all alone. But my Lord showed up. He was there the whole time, of course, but it took me a little while to notice. I experienced His comfort, His love, His grace. More recently (just a few weeks ago!), I had been praying about something and sharing my heart with God. The very next day, I was at Starbucks and long story short, former Miss Canada is sitting at my table and telling me that the Holy Spirit prompted her to come talk to me. The verses she gave me, the words from Him that she relayed to me…to be honest, it freaked me out a little. So spot on. I almost started crying as I listened to what God had placed on her heart to tell me. Without knowing anything about me or knowing what I had prayed about the night before, she was telling me everything I wanted to hear from God. How sweet of God to use His children to encourage each other. How wonderful of Him to speak to me at Starbucks, of all places. 

There are many reasons that I can now reflect on from this past year that make me realize why God’s plan is the best. People I’ve met, ways I’ve changed, relationships I’ve formed. My plan was simply not good enough. I can say with full confidence that His way is the best.

Of course, there are now some new questions in my heart, but instead of questioning God’s love for me, I now question my love for Him. If I truly love Him, then I can fully trust Him. And I can move ahead with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. 

I could go on and on, but let me just leave you with this reminder:

His ways are not our ways. Hallelujah and amen.

praise Him

God’s grace in my life today:

Spent the day with my dad. Such a blessing to have a father who loves God and his family so much.