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When I can’t find the words

This is, without a doubt, the hardest post I’ve ever written.

After many surgeries and prayers, a little girl passed away.

A little girl, adopted from China into an amazing, loving family.

I was praying for her earlier and just recently found out she didn’t make it tonight.

Instant stomachache, tears, and questions.

Why, Lord?

Why would You have this family go all the way to China to adopt a precious little girl and boy…and then take the girl away just 3 short months later?

Why would You have these doctors and nurses try so many surgeries to save her…and then take her away so soon?

Why would You give so many of us a deep love for this girl we’ve never met…and then take her away before we get the chance?

Why, Lord?

As I think about this, I can’t help but imagine all the people that the Carr’s must have impacted. I’ve read Mrs. Carr’s blog enough to know that those in the hospital are noticing this family. They heard the songs resonating from Zoe’s room. They must have seen the prayers being uttered over Zoe. They saw the love the Carr’s had for each other and lavished on the newest member of the family. 

They saw the Carr’s show Zoe what it means to be loved by them and by a sovereign Father.

They saw the Carr’s live out the gospel in a scary situation.

They saw Jesus through the Carr’s.

Little Zoe being in the hospital also resulted in the whole family being in the hospital. And that means that the love of Christ abounded there these past few weeks. That children’s hospital experienced the gospel at its core and saw a picture of the gospel through the Carr’s: 

They were fighting and loving Zoe just like Jesus fought for–died for–and loved you and me.

They lived out the gospel of Jesus Christ.

And yet, Zoe didn’t make it.

Lord, where are You in all of this?

Why didn’t You display Your ability to heal miraculously?

Why didn’t You reward them for displaying Your love?

Why can’t we see Your mighty, healing hand in this?

And in the stillness of the night, He brought me to a familiar passage: Job 23:8-10.

“But if I go to the east, He is not there;
    if I go to the west, I do not find Him.
When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him;
    when He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him.
But He knows the way that I take;
    when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

I’m lying in bed questioning where God was in all of this.

And He reminded me that even when I don’t see Him…even when I seek and don’t find Him…

He sees me.

He sees the Carr’s.

He saw the surgery. He saw the doctors. He saw the nurses.

He saw Zoe.

He was there.

He was with her.

He saw her.

And now she gets to see Him face-to-face.

We love you, Zoe. I can’t wait to meet you one day, sweet girl.

“When I can’t find the words to say how much it hurts, You are the healing in my heart.”


God’s grace in my life today:

I have the blessing of knowing the Carr family. Their family gives me one of the clearest pictures of the gospel being lived out.

Thank you, Carr family: I love you all and will be praying for you. You showed Zoe what it means to be loved.

He gives and takes away: blessed be the name of the Lord. 


One thought on “When I can’t find the words

  1. Rosh,
    Beautiful words of wisdom, truth, and insight wonderfully communicated as always! God has gifted you with the uncommon ability to make a mountain of joy and excitement from a routine and normal day to day activity. I believe this is what we are supposed to do when the Lord says in the Bible “do everything as unto the Lord!”
    Continue to Shine for Jesus!
    Love you,

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