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No turning back

I’m sick. That “oh my goodness, can I just stay in bed all day and look as miserable as I feel?” kind of sick. But alas, staying in bed all day was not an option…I had to drag myself out of bed and continue to look as miserable as I feel. Granted, I did skip my morning class, but I had to go to the afternoon and evening ones because I had a quiz in the former and test in the latter. Now, I’m going to skip having fun at the med school case study (*nerd alert* but seriously, it’s like playing “doctor’ with real cases and real scans…like being in the cast of Scrubs or Grey’s Anatomy :)) and go home and learn.

“I don’t love studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful.” -Natalie Portman

That’s how I feel. Studying is a drag. It’s dull and hard. Learning is beautiful. Semantics, maybe, but it changes my perspective.

I don’t want to just study all this material. I want to learn it. I want to be able to apply it. I don’t want the information to leave me the minute I finish the test.

I’m so blessed to have the opportunity to learn and the access to oh-so-much information. The world is at my fingertips. It’s amazing.

One of the purposes of this blog is to keep track of what my latest answer is to the “when I grow up, i want to be a…” question.

A couple weeks ago, I wanted to drop out of school and move to another country to be a missionary. Yes, we’re all missionaries in our own mission field here, but you know what I mean. I wanted to be free of the burden of school and work and be able to fully commit every minute of my time and energy to meeting with people and delivering the gospel. I contacted a couple of organizations, got some leads, learned of different opportunities, etc. 

happy happy joy joy

PAUSE. What you just read was written while I was at school, right after I’d finished a test and felt pretty good about it. I was planning to write about how much I love school and learning and all that jazz. How the “give it all up to go be a missionary” phase has passed. I’ve matured. I’ve seen it’s not practical for me now. Then I came home, studied, took some practice tests, and felt my self-confidence plummet. So here’s the raw truth. 

here goes nothing

All of that still sounds awesome.

I’d be thrilled to give everything up and move away for the sake of the gospel. Absolutely thrilled. 

But I don’t think that’s what God has for me at this point. As much as I want to go, I think I’m supposed to stay. For now. As much as I want Him to push me to another country now, I think He’s pushing me to stay here. For now. It’s hard and it hurts. I’d rather be serving and playing with orphaned children in some country than having to study, take a test, and get knocked down. Who wouldn’t? Who wants to take a test that makes you feel like a moron? Certainly not me. 

But I’m pressing on, pushing forward, and taking things one day at a time. Studying for a big test, because that’s what’s right in front of me at this point. It’s hard for me. SO hard. It scares me to think that the next 10 years or so of my life may be planned out by “the system”…4 years of med school, 3 years of residency, and potentially 3 years of fulfilling the “work here in an undeserved area” part of the scholarship. It scares me that all those plans could be thwarted by a single test score. I like planning, but I don’t like having things planned out for me. I’m worried that I won’t like it. Hearing others talk about what they see my future looking like makes me nervous. What if I don’t live up to those expectations? What if I do…and hate it? 

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

I don’t know all the answers to those questions. I know that I will still be loved. But I don’t know the rest. That’s where faith comes in. I don’t know what’s on the other side of this leap of faith.

If I land firmly on my feet, may He be glorified. If I fall flat on my face, may He be glorified.

“Not my will, but Yours be done.”

Not my grand plans, but Yours be done.

Sanctification hurts. But the end result will be worth it.

Come what may, I’m following Jesus.

I don’t know where I’m going, but I trust Him to lead me day by day.

No turning back. 

“The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be… because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!” -Mary Anne Radmacher

so help me, God

God’s grace in my life today:

I’m so glad I have Him to follow, because I would never want to lead myself. 


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