27

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” [ESV]

“I’m sure now I’ll see God’s goodness in the exuberant earth. Stay with God! Take heart. Don’t quit. I’ll say it again: Stay with God.” [MSG]

“[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.” [AMP]

-Psalm 27:13-14

Those of y’all who’ve been following this blog know that I’ve been doing annual birthday posts [which you can see if you click on the age: 23, 24, 25, 26] for awhile. I’m a pretty sentimental girl in general, so I get extra sentimental around my birthday each year and like to reflect on the previous year. My somewhat silly custom is to find verses with my birthday number to claim for the year. Last year, I chose the following:

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord, forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” [Isaiah 26:3-4]

“For Your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in Your faithfulness.” [Psalm 26:3]

And wow, how true they proved to be. Last year around this time, I was so torn over and filled with confusion about what God was doing in my life. Every time someone asked how they could pray for me, I asked for “peace and clarity.” Match Day was coming up and I had no clue how to create my rank list. Top that with some other “wrestling with God” heart struggles. My heart felt like a washing machine–thoughts spinning round and round and round. And then one night, I begged God to speak clearly. And He did. But He didn’t say what I wanted to hear. He said the opposite and then left the choice of obedience up to me. Can I just say–it’s one thing to hear the voice of God, it’s quite another to obey His voice. But once you’re sure it’s God’s voice, is there really any [wise] choice but to obey Him? And so that night, a few days after turning 26, I made this big decision and said, “Not my will, but Yours be done.”

That led to a month or so of immense peace–knowing that I had heard the voice of God and knowing that I had obeyed Him brought me great peace after weeks/months of uncertainty and confusion. And then all of a sudden that decision became my reality…and suddenly hypothetical obedience became practical obedience and I realized how “not my will” this really was. The doubt and confusion and hurt came crashing in like waves knocking down my carefully constructed sand castle built on my well-intentioned blueprints.

What do you do when God asks you to do something you don’t understand and His top priority really isn’t to make you understand?

I sulked. I questioned. I regretted obeying Him. I looked every direction but at Him.

“For Your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in Your faithfulness.”

Even though I didn’t realize it, His steadfast love was before my eyes–I just refused to look. Even though I was doubting Him, in His grace and mercy, He continued to have me walk in His faithfulness.

To walk (okay, drive) miles away to a new home, crying the whole way down and questioning whether I made a huge mistake obeying Him…yet He was faithful to give me parents who lowered me down to where God had called me, like the group who lowered their helpless friend down to Jesus. He was faithful to give me a goofy brother who could walk in the door of the apartment we shared and make me laugh even if I’d been crying all day. He was faithful to bring me to my new home and surprise me with a community of very different, yet very united people who have become family. He was faithful to reveal to me: “My child, obedience is for your joy. Don’t you think I know best? I’ve been a Father for a long time. ” He has taught me time and time again that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’ve heard from God in very specific ways at very necessary times. He has spoken as I’ve waited on Him. I mean, I’ve asked specific questions and He’s spoken specific answers to me. That’s insane–that the God of the universe would care enough to get close and whisper His answers as I waited on Him. Mind-boggling.

He has given me countless opportunities to love people, to watch Him work in their lives, to join Him as He loves people. He allowed me to watch Him bring an almost 100 year old women to salvation as heaven erupted with celebration–days before she passed away from this earth and joined the party in Heaven. He’s given me friends who have loved me so beautifully. He’s given me mentors who make time in the midst of their busy schedules to keep me accountable, love on me, and talk to me–some on the phone from across the country, some over dinner in the same city.

26 was the year I learned that God is a GOOD Father. He is so good. He is so loving. He is so kind. In my deepest need, He met me. In my darkest doubts, He stayed. In my confusion, He spoke peace. In my fear, He taught me love…and He showed me the unconditional extent of His love.

“What would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living!” [and I really didn’t believe it…I doubted it…yet, He still brought me from death to life and lavished His goodness on me.]

“Hallelujah, You have saved me–so much better Your way. When I thought I’d lost me, You knew where I’d left me. You reintroduced me to Your love. You picked up all my pieces, put me back together. You are the defender of my heart.”

His way is not only better, it’s the best. “I want what You want, Lord, and nothing less.” So this year, I enter 27 with a confidence in my Good Father. I have a renewed understanding of His love. I know better now how deep His love reaches because I know it reached me when I was low. I believe that my obedience is for my joy. I believe that He speaks when I wait. And so I will wait on Him–He always shows up. I know that He will show up this year and once again go beyond my wildest dreams or imagination. This year, I will see the goodness of the Lord as I wait for and hope for and expect Him.

Faithful You have been, faithful You will be.

God’s grace in my life:

How gracious of Him to lead me when I fought Him, to love me when I left Him, to restore my heart when I broke His. It’s all grace.

 

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Match Week

So for those of y’all who have been following my med school journey, this week is a pretty big week for 4th year med students around the world…

It’s Match Week!

Which means we all get matched with our soul mates.

JUST KIDDING.

Basically, this is the week we find out where we matched for residency.

To back it up–Med school is 4 years. During your 4th year, you’ve hopefully picked out your specialty (I chose Family Med) and you start looking at different programs for residency. You can even do rotations at some of those programs to get a better feel for them. Then you get your application ready so you can hit “submit” the day ERAS opens (that’s the online application portal). Then you start receiving interview offers and start scheduling them–pro-tip: Schedule based on location! Clump all the Carolina ones together, the west coast ones, the south, etc…as much as possible.

Starting around October, you start interviewing. Interview season is really fun until it gets tiring haha.

I met tons of awesome friends and we all still keep in touch and will hopefully be co-residents with some of them!

So after interview season wraps up in January, you have until the end of February (this year it was Feb. 22 at 9pm) to make a rank list. This is exactly what it sounds like–you think back on all the programs and rank the ones you’d want to end up at in the order you feel is best. This was by far the hardest part of the process for me. I had my top 5, then top 3, and then I got stuck. 2 of the programs were fairly similar, 1 was a bit different…and depending on the hour, I was sold on each one. I kept trying to imagine my life at each program and could picture a good life…just a different life at each one.

I prayed and talked ad nauseum about my options. And I still had no clue what to do!

I was losing sleep, had no appetite, and just overall stressed about this decision.

As is almost always the case with me, I finally felt the Lord make things very clear…at like the last possible moment. Sometimes I wonder if God is giving me a taste of my own procrastination medicine…other times I convince myself that procrastination must be godly if it seems like God does it too (mostly joking because obviously God’s timing is perfect).

But yeah, I pulled an all-nighter praying in my closet (fun fact: my closet is my go-to place for crying and for praying without distraction)…and around 5am, I felt the Lord speak to my heart pretty clearly about what I need to do and how I need to rank. I journaled about it immediately because I know I’m prone to forget. I felt specifically convicted that I should make a decision based not on fear, but on delighting in the Lord, obeying Him, and trusting that He is going with me.

So I finally certified my list at like 5am (pretty sure I get the award for stressing out my school the most…I really waited way too long to certify haha). And then I fell asleep, woke up a few hours later and freaked out, then talked to a sweet friend (who I had already told about my decision and who knew I would second guess everything…man, praise God for people like that who know when to call and what to say to help us trust God!), then prayed again and felt convinced that I need to leave the list as is and trust that I’m following the Lord to the best of my ability.

Then I actually made some calls to people from the other programs, sent some emails, and wrote some texts. I felt that so many had loved me so well and been praying for me, so I wanted to be upfront and tell them how I felt the Lord leading me to rank everything. They were encouraging beyond belief and prayed for me and cheered me on. Immense blessing to have such amazing support from so many people I didn’t even know before interview season started.

So back to the timeline, rank list was submitted on Feb. 22. Each program submits a rank list too, ranking all the students who interviewed with them. Some nebulous computer algorithm plays with everyone’s rank lists and generates a match list that is supposed to be in the applicant’s benefit.

Monday of Match week (i.e. tomorrow) at 11am, we’ll all get an email saying whether or not we matched. Ideally, 100% of applicants matched and all the programs fill, but in the event that someone didn’t match, there’s this thing called SOAP that becomes really important…essentially, students find out which programs have openings and attempt to match with them. But let’s be optimistic and idealistic–so tomorrow, every med student gets an email saying, “Congrats! You matched!” (or something like that)…

Then we wait until Friday…which is Match Day. This year it’s on St. Patrick’s Day which is pretty fun. IU does this awesome Match Day ceremony where we all gather together with friends and family, then we each pick up an envelope with our Match info. At the same time, we all open our envelopes and find out where we matched. Then we have the option to announce to everyone where we’re heading for residency. It’s a sweet celebration of lots of hard work and support!

So yeah, it’s a big week for us! And not gonna lie, I’m mostly excited about our exclusive matching T-shirts that a group of my friends and I will be wearing:

Thanks to all of y’all who’ve been with me through this process–super grateful for those of y’all who’ve stuck by me through thick and thin.

God’s grace in my life today:

Somehow He graciously brought me to this point.

To my littles

To my littles,

Today the world celebrated International Women’s Day. Well, some of us celebrated women, some criticized women, and some ignored women. So it was a fairly typical day. The theme was “Be Bold for Change.” And that got me thinking about what kind of world you will grow up in.

I don’t know what the world will look like in the future when you get here, but I know who I want you to look like when you get here. And darling, I’ll spend every moment of my life pointing you to Him. I want you to look like Jesus. I want more than anything to look like Jesus.

Because let me tell you about Jesus–He cares about everyone, but He went out of His way to care for the marginalized. He was surrounded by crowds wanting His attention, but He stopped to give attention to a woman who had spent her life seeking out doctors who could not heal her…and Jesus healed her and called her “daughter.” He stopped to sit with a women who had incorrect beliefs, who had lived a sexually promiscuous life, who was considered different and unworthy…and Jesus met with her and spoke truth. When other men accused and condemned a woman caught in adultery, Jesus spoke words that caused the accusers to retreat until He was alone with the woman…then He spoke words of forgiveness and new life: “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on, sin no more.”

Those are just a few examples (and there are more) of how He showed us in His life on earth how much He valued women. He was willing to stop and take the time to hear their stories…to look them in the eye…to love them enough to speak truth into their lives…to show up when others sat out.

And that’s what I want for us as women. Let us be bold for change like Jesus. Let us stop for the ones left out. Let us speak truth when others accuse. Let us show grace when we’re hurt. Let us run to Jesus with our hurt and broken heart and be healed by Him. Let us bring compassion and forgiveness to the table. Let us welcome all to our table. Let us fight injustice and choose life in every matter. Let us be the ones to say: “You matter to Jesus and you matter to me.”

Though the world may make us want to sit out, let’s stand up and stand out and show up. Because the world needs us women. The King designed us with unique gifts that we can bring to the table, and Jesus went out of His way to help women see their worth…to see that they are invited to the table, that they are wanted at the table, regardless of what others have said or done to them. That’s the message the world needs to hear.

I don’t know what the world will look like when you get here, but I know who I want to look like when you get here. I want to look like Jesus–and by His grace, I will.

xoxo

Look at Me

At church tonight (s/o to Traders Point!), the guest speaker gave a very powerful analogy. When a parent takes a child to the doctor and the child needs a shot, the parent never encourages the child to look at the needle. The parent knows the needle is going to sting…and so a loving parent will tell his child, “Baby, look at me. Look at me.” Look away from the needle and look at the face of one who loves you. If I’m in the room and I’m allowing the pain to occur, you can rest assured that the pain is necessary for a higher good.

Saw a movie (“The Shack”) after church (yes, I know it’s controversial and perhaps another post will address my thoughts on why I think it’s worth reading/seeing)…and one particular scene featured Jesus telling Mack those same words–“Look at Me.”

How easy it is to focus on our pain, to wallow in doubt, to wrestle with anxiety…yet how simple the solution is: Look at Jesus.

“Immediately He made the disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side, while He dismissed the crowds. And after He had dismissed the crowds, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out His hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

-Matthew 14:22-33

Multiple lessons to learn from this story:

1) Jesus sent them into the boat, knowing it would be beaten by the waves because the wind was against them. Friend, don’t assume that opposition is a sign you’re not in the will of God. In this case, the will of God involved sending his beloved disciples into a storm. Don’t jump ship, but strain your eyes for Jesus, lean in to hear your Savior.

2) He came to them. He did not abandon them–He never leaves His children. That’s a promise He made and He’s the Promise Keeper. And He may appear in your life in an unusual way–remember that though this story may be familiar to some of us, it’s never normal to see a man walking on water…yet that’s how Jesus came to them. He literally WALKED on water in the midst of a storm. He will stop at nothing to get to you, friend.

3) A word from Jesus dispels all fear. Initially the disciples are freaking out that they’re seeing a ghost. What we see now as a miracle, they saw then as a terrifying event. Perhaps there’s stuff happening in your own life that you view as terrifying/discouraging/unwanted…but will one day be able to see it more clearly as a miracle in the midst of the storm. Jesus knew they were afraid and He IMMEDIATELY spoke to calm their fears. The storm hadn’t ceased yet, yet Jesus instructed them to recognize His presence and not to fear. It’s easy to live by faith when the storm ceases…but that’s not real faith…it’s rearview mirror faith. Jesus wants us to have faith in Him even in the midst of the storm. He allowed the storm to continue–He wanted them to trust His presence rather than rely on circumstances. And He gives us the same instructions today: “Take heart, it is I; do not fear.”

4) As soon as Peter hears Jesus, he’s ready to jump out of the boat. There’s a storm going on, but Peter is focused on Jesus’ voice. The fact that Peter says, “Lord, IF it is You…” makes me wonder if he still couldn’t see Jesus clearly. Which makes this even more amazing. Peter was ready to jump out of a boat simply because he heard Jesus. The voice of God can still lead us today even when we can’t see Him.

5) Our focus determines whether we sink or swim. For some reason, I’d always imagined this story as Peter attempting to walk towards Jesus, then getting scared before he reached Jesus. But as I’m reading it tonight, it seems like Peter made it to Jesus, then got scared. “Peter got out of the boat, walked on the water, and came to Jesus.” But then he saw the wind. When his focus turned from Jesus to the wind, he became afraid. Now remember, the wind hadn’t ceased when he was walking on water. But he hadn’t noticed it when he was focused on Jesus. As soon as he noticed it and became afraid, he began to sink and cried out for Jesus to save him. And IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out His hand and took hold of Peter, asking him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And only once they got in the boat did the wind cease. The wind was not the determining factor in this story–Jesus is the determining factor in every story. Don’t just look away from the wind…look away TO Jesus. 

I don’t know your situation today–but Jesus knows. And He’s not abandoned you. You may feel like He has–believe me, I’ve been there. But He has never left my side. Not for a moment. He’s always there, ready to IMMEDIATELY reach out His hand and take hold of me…take hold of you.

Hear the voice of your Savior today:

“Baby, look at Me. Look at Me.”

God’s grace in my life today:

I fell in love with the heart of my God again today. He loves me so much–He’s collected every tear, He’s heard every prayer, He’s been with me every step. How He loves us so.

Run Into You

Today I walked towards the stairs and stopped abruptly–this resulted in Houston running into me. He follows me SO CLOSELY–it’s hilariously cute. He doesn’t even care where we’re going. Whether I’m going to the kitchen, my bedroom, the living room, or the bathroom, he’s right on my heels. And I often find him running into me.

Wow–what a cool concept to think about following Jesus that closely. I get so caught up in where we’re headed or where we just left and why are we going here or why didn’t we stay there? But what if I could just enjoy the journey–find joy in following Jesus. Find joy in running after Him, trusting that His presence is more important than any destination. Trust that if He led me away from something, it’s for my good. Trust that if He’s leading me to something new, it’s for my good.

Trust that the worst case scenario of running hard after Jesus is running into Him…and that’s actually also the best case scenario.

God’s grace in my life today:

I’m so grateful for this season of rest…time to just be still, to reflect, to dream.

With

Houston loves to be outside. Even whispering the words “let’s go outside” cause my furry sweet-eyed buddy to jump with excitement and wag that tail hard like he’s trying to hit a home run. His golden face instantly transforms to a dog-grin as he races down the stairs and nudges me to open the door. He pants and wags and sniffs and scurries around with joy during every walk and even during the quick trips outside.

Of course it brings me so much joy to see him happy  (y’all know I love my dog something fierce!) to be outside. But you know what really warms my heart? He loves being outside, but he loves being WITH me more.

Today I let him out on the balcony to enjoy the fresh air while I was making tea. And he happily went outside, but then I peeked through the window and noticed he just sat there staring at the door. He then started people watching (dog after my own heart), but every few seconds he would glance at the door. This lasted a total of no more than 5 minutes before I opened the door and he happily trotted in to sit at my feet. He’d rather be inside with me than outside without me.

And the thought crossed my mind–do I love Jesus like that? Am I more interested in His presence than my pleasure? Have I come to fully grasp that His presence IS the utmost fulfillment of my pleasure? Or am I fully able to enjoy myself with complete disregard for His presence? Why even attempt to find joy apart from Him–when He is the source of all joy? May I find more joy in being with Him than in doing anything without Him. Oh, to learn the simple lessons that come so naturally to my sweet Houston 🙂

God’s grace in my life:

Abba is so good to me–His love for me far exceeds my love for my dog–my love for anyone or anything. He takes great delight in me. Oh, that I would delight more in Him and long to be near Him at every moment. He is with me. Hallelujah and amen.

26

“You will keep in perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You–in both inclination an character], because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation]. Trust [confidently] in the Lord forever [He is your fortress, your shield, your banner], for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages].” [AMP]

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord, forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” [ESV]

“People with their minds set on You, You keep completely whole, steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don’t quit. Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.” [MSG]

~Isaiah 26:3-4

As those of you who have been following this blog know, I’ve been doing annual birthday posts (23, 24, 25) since I started med school–but this year my post is a little late (technically I’m only one day past my birthday…month (haha)). 25 was such a year of growth, restoration (which was my word for the year–seriously amazing how God restored so much that felt broken), and challenges. I had my writing published as a CMDA devotional. I switched from peds to family med at the very end of my 3rd year after realizing that I enjoy procedures and feeling the Lord connect all the dots of third year (the love for every rotation, the desire to work with all the family members, the goal to serve overseas, the innate desire to know a patient’s full story, etc.). Finished up my third year of med school and started my fourth year (aka med school heaven).

I traveled to Canada and was overwhelmed by the love and generosity of strangers-turned-friends. God used them to encourage me, especially one sister in Christ who spoke truth and love into my life in such a specific way that it could only be of God. I was blessed with the opportunity to serve with fellow Jesus-followers at a FQHC clinic in Indianapolis and learned so much. I worked with an incredible team to start a group that invests in the mental health of med students. Loved my sub-I rotation and worked with an amazing team at Eskenazi. Went through some highs and lows, but was consistently encouraged by the ministry of Pastor Steven Furtick and Elevation Church. Continued to experience the Lord restoring me. Started a habit of reminding my heart and telling the Lord daily: “I choose You today and every day.”

I spent a month rotating in Tulsa, OK and about a week rotating in Memphis, TN and then hit the interview trail hard (traveled all over the country!), met absolutely AMAZING people on the trail, worked some crazy ER shifts and left with my own “war stories,” watched my first patient die, almost died myself during an ice storm (praise God for angels in the form of brave men and a kind policeman), finished off my core med school rotations (that means that “if I become a doctor” will soon have to drop the “if”!), finished off the interview season at a resort on the beach, struggled to make my rank list (as in, REALLY struggled), received the advice to “dream big with God,” spent many nights sitting in my closet (my go-to place for distraction-free Jesus time), heard from the Lord very clearly, experienced His peace, made some decisions, blessed to be encouraged and loved by so many people, watched the Lord answer very specific time-sensitive prayers in such a short time frame, and have seen the Father lean in time and time again, speak very specifically through various people/sermons, and continually say lovingly, “Trust me, child.”

So as is my somewhat silly custom, I found verses with the number “26” that I want to “claim” for this year. The Isaiah passage above actually found me when I wasn’t even looking. And here’s the other verse from Psalm 26:3–

“For Your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in Your faithfulness.”

I am grateful that one word from Jesus still has the power to calm storms and bring peace. The Lord has been so gracious and good to me this past year–even when I couldn’t see it or didn’t feel Him near. I know He never once abandoned me. I know He has good in store for me. I know He is good. And I know Him in a deeper way as a freshly minted 26yo than I did at 25. He made Himself known in the valleys and on the mountaintops. He rarely roared above the noise, but was most often found in the moments of vulnerability when I’d reached the end of myself. He taught me that sacrifice is not a one-and-done type deal, but a daily, moment-by-moment choice. Same with trust. And He’s proved Himself not only sovereign and trustworthy and good and loving, but also near. For that, I am very grateful.

My word for 26 is “steadfast.” May my heart be steadfast, grounded in the truth of who HE is and trusting Him wholeheartedly, “with hope and confident expectation.” I’m expecting to be surprised by joy as I keep my heart steadfast on Him.

God’s grace in my life today:

All of the above. Wow, even though most of what I wrote above just barely scratched the surface, I’m overwhelmed by how faithful He has been to restore me and make me more like Him. He is so good.